Hello Papabear,
It's been several months since we last associated with each other from here. The question here is about how hopeless I've felt about the fandom, most of my family, and my social life altogether since birth. Unfortunately, this is partly in innate due to a certain condition that I'm incredibly ashamed to reveal here on the net, so I'm not going to say anything of it at all. Lately, it hasn't been very happy for me among people. It's an endless loop that things make me happy, not people. I can never really get along with anyone even to my siblings and mother like nearly absolutely everyone does in the general public & fandom. As much as I am said to be a good artist, I'm not social at all after much "Post Traumatic Social Disorder," sheer bitterness, and unfair experiences I've had with people. This is not only in the general public, but EVEN in the fandom, and in the end, I've decided to depart from FA too. Even to those I met locally, I don't consider them a friend at all anymore despite them possibly seeing otherwise. The reason? Their friends are jerks, and they associate with those jerks, so I've been fed up and flew away from them. (metaphorically speaking) After a lifelong "warfare" of fights, undue solutions, burned bridges, broken hearts, and so forth, this is what turned me into a perfectly unforgiving and "spiky" person. Frankly, I wholeheartedly with I wasn't this way, but from how I've molded, I have to live with it, like a stuck mask. In fact I plan to add a bonehead mask to my persona anyway. This has caused me mental issues & I hate everyone for it. I can only say that I trust father and my best furiend, who is a blue ice dragon that's also local. I'd be thrilled to live with him as a roommate this summer 2015 or it's all bust. Nonetheless, I'm exceptionally unhappy and infinitely angry against the world, the furry fandom as a whole, and every single life form since birth who wronged me. I can't help it though; I wish I could be let nicer if they gave a chance. But the damages are done; I wish I was never born. u.=.u If there was any side of social/sentimental hope, I will say that I do have a crush on a particular scalie that we probably all know and love. I'll leave you on guessing who. Reason I mention this is because I really would like to give it one last go & give myself the final chance to show my friendship, generosity (even as gift artworks), & care. I would really hope he'll be okay...maybe meet in May 2015? ;) Anyway, going back on track here, I've had inevitably difficult social issues to the point where I've become incredibly hostile, overly defensive, and ultra-unforgiving. It's sad, and there's literally very few people I trust. Goes to show that I don't take the word "friendship" lightly Regardless, please suggest me anything healthy, reasonable, and practical. I've also been envious of others even to whom I knew well, and I just remain distant and isolated to avoid conflict forever, even among other circumstances in general. Your wisdom to others and even to me are much appreciated. ~Sad, unhappy Western Electro-Lunar Skydragon, Azure (age 21) * * * Hi, Skydragon, It would help me a lot to know what this "certain condition" is, which I'm guessing is actually a big big part of why you are having these troubles. If you wish, I will keep the letter off the website. * * * It's called "Asperger's Syndrome," a variant of Autism, and I have a high-functioning kind of it too. And you don't have to keep the letter off the website, probably shouldn't this time anyway. I just don't want the data to be lost like I thought it was, is all. Do what you must like you normally do. I like hearing about it. :) I think I was merely in irrational fear of having revealed exclusively the condition right away on the site, but I'm okay with it in any way now. It was a false alarm. I apologize for the inconvenience. Carry on. :) (that and I was really tired last night writing it before bed time, so I was prone to crankiness & paranoia!) * * * Dear Skydragon, Asperger’s is nothing to be ashamed of. Many furries who have it have written to me suffer from this condition. Some of the symptoms of Asperger’s include social anxiety disorder and depression. People with your condition may also be hypersensitive and have a heightened sense of the importance of adhering to rules and codes of conduct. This would explain why you have had such a tough time dealing with other people. Not accepting that people are not perfect, you are easily offended by any perceived wrong that they might do—either to you or anyone else. For example, even though some of your friends have not directly wronged you, you associate them with bad behavior because they have other friends you have deemed to be “jerks.” When you create such a high standard that it becomes impossible for anyone to earn your approval, the result is what has happened to you: no friends and complete isolation. My prediction, therefore, is that this dragon you like will eventually let you down, too, and you will reject his friendship. Having no friends and isolating oneself will also exacerbate your feelings of depression and hopelessness. The solution to your problem, then, is treatment for your Asperger’s. The good news, too, is that many people who have your condition get better and better at managing it as they get older. Again, don’t be ashamed—instead, get help. You can learn more here: http://www.autism-society.org/living-with-autism/ Wishing You Luck and Health, Papabear
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Hello,
My name is Ross Smith and unfortunately I suffer from bipolar disorder. I've found every day it gets harder and harder for me to cope; at some points they lead to serious panic attacks that I can’t control. What do you think I should do cause my parents say I fake it and doctors don't seem to be interested either. JD Husky (age 25, United Kingdom) * * * Dear JD/Ross: Are you sure you have bipolar disorder? Panic attacks are not the same thing as being bipolar. How did you come to the conclusion that you were? Bipolar disorder is a disease in which sometimes you are extremely depressed; this can be followed by manic episodes, although sometimes irritable and grouchy. Sufferers do not necessarily alternate between highs and lows, however. For example, they might have lots of depressive episodes but only occasional, and relatively mild, periods of being “up.” It’s like having your nerves go from sluggish to hyperactive in an unpredictable way. Have you been formally diagnosed? Bipolar disorder is not only about one’s mood. The illness can also impair your memory and ability to concentrate, affect appetite and sleep, and give you anxiety attacks (this last one sounds like you). Suicidal thoughts are also a risk; if that happens to you, please get help immediately. You can call the national suicide hotline at 800-273-TALK or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is no charge. For the United Kingdom, go to http://www.samaritans.org/ or call +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. Being bipolar can make life difficult, to say the least. It makes it harder to form relationships, hold down a job, and makes you more vulnerable to drug and alcohol addiction, high blood pressure, migraines, and even heart disease and diabetes. Because of how it affects mood and impulsiveness, it might cause you to make rash decisions that are not in your best interest (like deciding to quit a job or break off a relationship for no good reason), and it can cause your self-esteem to plummet. Many people don’t realize how incredibly complex bipolar disorder is, and no two people who have show exactly the same symptoms. Medical professionals have developed three categories for the disorder, therefore: 1) Bipolar I, which is the kind people usually think of with extreme highs and lows of mood; 2) Bipolar II, which involves milder highs (hypomania) coupled with severe depression; and 3) Cyclothymia, the milder form which is marked by cycles of hypomania and less severe depression. If some or all of this describes you, then, yes, you could be bipolar, and if your doctor acts uninterested, then I would find another doctor. Too bad you can’t do the same for parents who are unconcerned about their own child’s health or call him a liar. Some good news: even without medication, there are a few things you can do, non-medical-wise, to ease symptoms, including such simple things getting enough rest (and doing so at the same hours each day), eating healthy foods, getting exercise, and doing other techniques (yoga, meditation, Tai Chi, a relaxing hobby) to reduce stress. You can also keep a journal tracking your mood swings and other symptoms, which might help you figure out if there are some things in your life and environment that contribute to these episodes. People with bipolar disorder can, with help, lead normal and happy lives. If you can’t get help from your family or can’t get a doctor, contact the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Their website has a wealth of brochures, and they offer peer support as well. Visit their site at www.DBSAlliance.org/FindSupport/. The DBSA is in Chicago. You can still take advantage of their publications, but you might want to contact an organization in the UK, so for that I would recommend Bipolar UK at http://www.bipolaruk.org.uk/. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I have to say that finding your advice column may prove to be a great boon for me. My current problem is actually several problems compounding into one. I’ll begin with my accident in November; it left me with some nerve damage in my left shoulder and hand as well as a spinal injury. Jumping ahead a couple months, on the night of January 5th, I woke up to find my mother dead on the kitchen floor. Since then it’s just been me left to deal with all of the fallout: I made the arrangements for the wake and funeral without any help from my aunt (her sister). My aunt spent my mother’s wake complaining about me inheriting everything to anyone who would listen. After the funeral my aunt got into my mother’s safe deposit box and pulled everything from it including a copy of her trust. My mother had named my aunt as her successor trustee and set up the trust in such a way so that it could care for me and the house. Now my aunt has been extremely reluctant to work with me and has since hired an attorney for the trust however this attorney is looking out for his and her pocketbooks rather than the trust and my wellbeing. They call me uncooperative when in reality it’s my aunt who is unwilling to cooperate. She says that I’m constantly partying and should instead be looking for work however the extent of me partying comes down to one birthday party thrown for myself and attending Fur Squared. As far as job hunting is concerned there is not much that I’m allowed to do with my current injuries and my doctor has even chewed me out for doing basic house chores (ie: garbage, vacuuming, etc.). Following a call in which the attorney that my aunt had hired decided to yell at and insult me, a few days ago I received a letter from him which was further insulting and unprofessional. Although in that letter he stated that both he and my aunt are getting paid for their services from the trust, this is important because in the trust it very specifically states that an individual trustee cannot take payment for their services. Furthermore in this line of issues the aforementioned attorney has claimed that bills including but not limited to the utilities for the house, food, and insurance are “estate debts” and as such are my sole responsibility and that the trust would not pay for them. However, he also claimed that the mortgage payment and property taxes are issues of the trust and will be paid from it, yet this month my aunt failed to make the mortgage payment. Meanwhile, I’ve got two overdrawn checking accounts and no more food in my attempt to keep my house afloat. I don’t have a support network to lean on aside from people whom offer to “talk if I need to” which is nice but not what I need. I realize that I have forgotten to give my age, I’m 22 years old as of last month and despite my usual ability to be the adult of most situations I find that I am far from equipped to deal with even a quarter of what is now on my plate. Neither my father nor any other relatives are willing to help me in any way and I’m drowning in a sea of confusion, grief and unknowing. I honestly don’t know what to do and don’t know if I can continue to go through this alone but one thing I know for sure is that if this continues the way that it has been I will be homeless before the year is over. I apologize for the massive block of text but I’m not of the mind to attempt to better separate things at the moment. I humbly ask for any advice you can pass on to me in the hopes that it can help. Starving and worried * * * Dear Starving, My condolensces for your loss, hon. At 22, you are of legal age, so you do not need someone else to administer the trust, but I guess that's what your mother did. I would very must like to have a look at the legal documents and see what they say exactly. Because I can’t do that and because I am not an attorney, I would strongly recommend that you seek out legal counsel. Many lawyers will take a case for no advance payment (on contingency) if they feel they can win the case (and there's money in it for them). You definitely need a lawyer on your side. Your aunt is being a conniving so-and-so who is trying to wrest power and whatever money she can from you. Again, you are an adult and it is none of her business what you do with money that is legally yours, especially since she is not your legal guardian or spouse. (Is there some reason your mother made your aunt trustee and not you, the beneficiary?) You need to get a copy of the will and the trust. (I hope you can get those). And find a local attorney. If you don’t know one, ask people you know whom they might recommend. If that doesn’t work, you can try a site like http://www.legalmatch.com/. Go to the Estate section and click on the for Contested Wills and Probate and answer the questions they have there. This will hopefully give you some leads you need. My understanding of the law is that, generally speaking, if there is no will, the spouse of the deceased inherits the estate. You don’t mention your father or other siblings, so if you are the only living child, you would get the estate. If you were deceased, your aunt would probably be next in line, hmmmm. Anyway, it sounds like your mother did leave a will and left you with everything. Your aunt should have absolutely no legal standing in this issue—again, you are not a minor and she has no rights over you. All she has been asked to do is administer the trust. Again, this is a legal matter and I’m no attorney. Get yourself some representation! Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am facing the hardest thing ever in my life. Well...two things. Both my aunt and my Nana are in a very serious medical state and the worst thing I could have ever heard that could be related to these people is what scares me....death. I have had a serious death with a close family member so it never really shocked me; all I could ever do was sympathize. My aunt has issues with her brain and my nana (despite quitting smoking MANY years ago) has 4th stage lung cancer. I know they try so hard to fight but I get very hopeless and think of too many negative thoughts. I can't bear to see them leave me....I love them too much and I don't want to let go of them. What should I do? Decoy (age 18) * * * Dear Decoy, I’m sorry to hear about your nana and aunt. It’s tough, especially at a younger age, to face the hardest reality of life: people you care about and love will die. You’ve had a death in the family before, so you’re not unfamiliar with grief, but I surmise your nana and aunt are very close to you. When we are faced with the death of a loved one, two things tend to disturb us: 1) the mere fact of mortality, and 2) the upset we feel because our lives will be forever changed by the loss. You can’t stop someone from dying, but you can improve your attitude about death and what it means. Intellectually, I’m sure you’ll understand that if no one died, we would soon be drowning in people, and we would then all die anyway because we would consume all of the planet’s resources. Therefore, death is not some cruel game that God or the Universe plays on us; it is a necessity. Our finite world would, ironically, be a horrifying place if there were no death. Emotionally, this does not help you, of course. You will be sad, even grief-stricken, after the inevitable happens. This leads us to the question: why do people get sad? What is the purpose of sadness? Interestingly, scientific research has provided us with an answer to this troublesome question. A molecule in the brain called the 5HT1A receptor serves as an On/Off switch to depression by binding to the chemical serotonin. The result is a change in mood that also changes our behavior: we become more solitary, more pensive. The evolutionary purpose of this is that we become depressed when we are faced with a complex social problem that we need to work out. Depression, by making us more solitary and thoughtful, removes us from distractions such as interacting with people at parties, having sex, and otherwise being engaged with our world. This allows us time and space to try and figure out a resolution to the problem. In your case, as an example, you might ponder the question, “Why did my nana contract lung cancer when she quit smoking long ago?” Which could lead you to the conclusion, after much study, that tobacco can have long-term effects and you should never take up this harmful habit. This, as you can see, is a good evolutionary strategy for survival. A result of this psychological research that may be more helpful to you, Decoy, is that scientists have also found a way to shorten the grieving/depression problem: write. Studies have shown that people who kept a journal or otherwise wrote down their thoughts about what they were going through were depressed for a shorter period of time. Why? Well, it’s related to the above: they were able to work out their thoughts about what they were feeling more quickly by writing them down and, once they did that, their depression was alleviated because there was no reason to ponder longer on their problem. The third aspect is the spiritual one. Now, if you have no spiritual side (e.g., i.e., you are an atheist) coping with death can be much harder because of the fear of nothingness, of true death, of nonexistence. The majority of people, however, have some sort of spiritual/religious belief about death and the afterlife: whether that is a concept of Heaven, or of Nirvana, or of reincarnation, or simply a moving on to another phase of reality, there is a consensus that we are more than just flesh and blood. If you believe in this in some way, as I do, then you know that when your aunt and nana (and even you) eventually pass out of this world, there will be something waiting for you in the beyond and you may, indeed, reunite with your aunt and nana and others you have lost or will lose. In the meantime, while you are physically separated, you can keep those you have lost dear to your heart by remembering them fondly in your day-to-day life. Photos, videos, keepsakes can all give us comfort. One thing you might do before they are gone is take a digital audio or video recorder and make a record of them now. You could record, for instance, a conversation between you and them in which you talk about their lives. Save their memories as much as possible. The wonderful thing about living in our time is that, in a sense, we can be made immortal through the art of videography. Make a film of them and, when you miss them, sit down and replay it. Celebrate their lives and the joy you experienced with them, and remember how lucky you have been to share part of your life with them. I hope this helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I feel I have closed myself off from most of my family and friends the last couple months. In December I had two family members and a dog die, and January I had another family member and dog die. My family in the house tried to soften the blow by getting a new puppy. But I feel that out of everyone in my house and at school I've been spending most of my time either locked away in my room or with the puppy. I don't know why but I just feel like either I'm dismantling myself from others or I'm just slipping under the radar and they don't notice me. How do I try to fix this? Thank you, Trademark Pain * * * Dear Trademark, I am so sorry for the loss of your family members and your dear pet. It’s not uncommon for people who experience personal loss like this to withdraw into themselves. When you suffer multiple losses like this, one train of thought that those in mourning might have is this: “The fewer people I have in my life, the less vulnerable I will be to loss. And if there is no one in my life that I feel love for, I will never have to suffer the pain of losing a loved one ever again.” But isolating yourself like this is not the answer; it will only lead to more depression and sadness. You must realize this, Trademark, since you wrote to Papabear for help, so I’m glad you did. What your family did—giving you a new puppy—was nice, but it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, in a way, it is avoiding the problem, sort of like sitting a young child in front of a television because mom and dad don’t feel like spending time with their kid. What you and your family should be doing is talking about your shared loss, even though that is hard to do. I know it will be difficult, but what you need to do is force yourself, little by little, to interact with people again. It’s kind of like going to the gym for the first time. You really don’t want to do it; it makes your muscles sore and you get all sweaty and you get embarrassed maybe because you can’t lift very much weight, but, if you work at it consistently, you will get better and even enjoy working out. Same with overcoming this urge to become a hermit in your own home. Start by selecting the family member with whom you feel the closest bond—especially someone who was as close to the departed as you were—and start talking to him or her about what you are feeling. Share memories of the person who has gone, but do so in a celebratory way. What do I mean? I mean celebrate the good memories you have of them and don’t focus on how much you miss them (that’s a given). This is what is done in traditions such as the Irish wake and the New Orleans jazz funeral procession. Focus on the joy and how lucky you were to know this person in your life while they were here. Sharing these things with your family will bring you closer together, bonding you more tightly in a loving, spiritual sense than you ever have been before. It will also remind you to appreciate those who are still with you in the here and now. The secret to healing, Trademark, is not isolation; it is bonding and celebration. The first few steps may be hard, but they are essential. We all suffer losses in our lives. Learning to cope with them, and to grow stronger because of them, will enhance your life by giving you a better appreciation for all the joys still to be experienced. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear.
I've been feeling really useless. I'm a high school dropout but I blame myself for that. I get really bad panic attacks when I'm around a lot of people which I think led to me dropping out. Then I can't drive because I don't have good depth perception. I wear glasses, but the doctor still said I shouldn't drive. So now I'm an uneducated shut in with no license. I’ve been living on a $2,000 or $1,000 dollar check I get every three months, but bills, food, and family (including pets) forces me to use it up in a month, so I have to go donate plasma. I really want to get my G.E.D and get an art degree so I can get a job without leaving my house or so I can at least call myself an artist and have an option to get a job. Then reality sets in. My family won't help me, taking a bus is out of the question, and I can't get medication for my panic attacks because I have no insurance or someone who will take me to the mental health clinic, plus no money. I need to have a steady income, but no one will help me. I feel so useless. I can't do anything. I can't even join the army since I have bad eyesight and I had asthma when I was young. Some days I feel like disappearing. My family would still get the check. I mean, I don't do anything, so If I'm gone nothing would change. I feel that if I'm gone everyone and everything will be better without me. I have nothing to live for, my self-esteem is gone along with my pride. Uh, is there any advice you can give me? mb (age 23 in Arizona) * * * Dear mb, Papabear gives you a big HUG. I thought you might need it. I’m glad you took the time to write me. You have three issues here, one being, I perceive, thoughts of suicide, but I think we can alleviate that if we fix the other two issues: health and education. Let’s do health first. I am a little surprised you have apparently not heard of the passage of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). With your extremely low income, you should easily qualify for health insurance in Arizona at little or no cost. Two sites I want you to check out: 1) The Arizona Department of Economic Security’s health care page, and 2) The federal government site. You should qualify for health care assistance, after which you find a doctor and go see them about your health issues. The second subject is schooling. I’m proud of you for wanting to get your G.E.D. so that you can find work and make something of yourself despite your family’s shameful lack of support. Fortunately, you were born in the technological age, and there are ways for you to earn your G.E.D. at home for free. In your state of Arizona, there is Insight Academy of Arizona. You can also check out Arizona Connections Academy. These places offer high school courses, but you can also go online for help to specifically pass the G.E.D., such as Pima Academy, which offers on-site as well as online courses. Do a little research and you will find something suited for you. When you are ready to take the G.E.D., this may be the one time when you actually have to arrange transportation to get to a testing facility. Make absolutely certain that you go to an accredited facility (there are scam facilities) by checking first with the Arizona Department of Education, which is also a great place for you to learn more about classes and testing. In short, mb, there are ways for you to get the help you need, conveniently and at home for free, both medically and in school. Happily, you clearly have an Internet connection, since you emailed me, so all this is possible for you. I hope that helps! If not, and you're still having depressing thoughts, please write me again. Good Luck and BIG BEAR HUGS! Papabear Should He Intervene in His Relatives' Problems with Alcoholism, Violence, and Mental Illness?10/24/2013 Hello, PapaBear,
My 34 year old cousin has a drinking problem. His mother (another cousin of mine) came to me and my grandmother yesterday morning, crying because he got on her nerves about asking her for beer while she was sleeping, getting ready to go to work early in the morning. He's been doing this for many years. He's 34 and he does have a mental problem and he has hit her and her car with a chair and she's done nothing about it. He's been spoiled since he was a kid, and right now he lives with his mom, his younger 12 year old brother, and another relative of mine in the same house. When she came to us crying that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I want to give her sage advice on how to solve this problem and talk to him in a calm manner and try to reason with him, persuading him to go to rehab or such. I fear if I don't do something it might get worse. If I do this (giving sage advice to his mom and try to reason with my 34 year old cousin), would I make the situation better or should I stay out of it? (For I will make it a lot worse than it is.) I forgot to add the advice I wanted to give to my cousin's mother: "Have no beer or any alcoholic beverages inside the house. Make him drink Snapple, Apple juice, Kool-Aid, Milk, water and other non-alcoholic drinks. While he's in your house, he needs to go to rehab, he needs to work, contribute to the household. If he wants beer, he needs to get his own place and work for it while he's in his own place. If he does get rowdy, because you didn't pick him up some beer and cigarettes, call the police and have him arrested and put him in jail because I doubt that there will be beer in jail, or kick him out and let him move into a homeless shelter. If you feel threatened, come to my grandmother's house." Again, I fear that if I don't take action, my little cousin, his mom, and my other relative that lives with the 34 y/o cousin will potentially get hurt or worse because of his drinking problems and his unpredictable behavior. I'm worried that if he asks his mom for beer early in the morning while she's asleep, she might not have enough sleep and she will get into a car wreck because of that while she's on her way to work or lose her job. She pretty much supports them (the 34 y/o cousin, my little cousin and my other relative, who also has a mental illness). Patch * * * Hi, Patch, There are four problems here: your cousin’s drinking problem, his mental illness, his mother’s refusal to do anything about it, and the potential danger not only to his mother but also to the other children in the household and to your 34-year-old cousin himself. I don’t know what the nature of the mental illness is, since you don’t specify, but apparently it is not so severe that he cannot work. Still, whether it is autism or depression or something else, it needs to be treated, not only for its own sake, but also because it likely is exacerbating his alcoholism in one way or another. You don’t say whether or not he or your other relative with a mental disorder is receiving treatment, but that is one of the first things that should be taken care of if at all possible. His mother is what is called an enabler. These are people who are in denial about the problem, or don’t want to confront it, or won’t accept the severity of the problem (“Oh, it’s not so bad”), or even blame themselves for the problem. All these things make it easier for the 34 year old to keep doing what he is doing. Now within this troubled family you want to step in and give such as advice as: deny him alcohol, make him get a job, make him go to rehab, and call the police if he gets physical again. These are all things that I’m sure everyone reading this would agree are good ideas. However, the problem is that if you tell this to his mother or, worse, to him, you will only receive anger and defensiveness in response. There are two reasons for this: 1) these problems didn’t spring up overnight and are the result of much deeper problems within the individuals and the family, so it is these problems that need to be sorted out and addressed in order to resolve the resulting symptoms, and 2) marching into a dysfunctional situation like this with “sage advice” makes you come off as a know-it-all, and the immediate reaction will be on the order of “Who do you think you are to be interfering in matters that don’t concern you?” This might mean that not only will your efforts produce no results but you stand the risk of them cutting you out of their lives completely. Ideally, your cousin and his mother should both be seeing a therapist, and your cousin should go to an alcohol-abuse treatment program such as AA. Getting them there against their own will would be very problematic, however. My first advice to you, then, would be to contact the Adult Protective Services program at your state’s Department of Social Services office. I would call them, perhaps make an appointment, and visit the office and express your concerns, asking them for their professional advice. APS usually focuses on seniors who need help, but they also help with adults who are dependent on their family, which your cousin certainly is. They can recommend the best steps for you to take and whom to contact in your area for help in terms of alcohol and mental illness treatment programs. They can also help you with any financial assistance programs that might be available to your cousins. Next, go to your local police department, not with an official complaint or report, but give them the information about what is going on, what the address is, etc., and tell them your concerns about a serious domestic violence potential and that you will be contacting them if you see trouble. They will appreciate the heads up. Okay, now you are armed with information and you have alerted law enforcement and social services. What now? What now is what is sometimes called “seeding.” Seeding is when you talk to the people in trouble and implant information into their heads without accusing them or confronting them angrily or “sagely.” You are being non-confrontational. Let the mother know that you are keeping an eye on them because you care about them. Express your concern for your 12-year-old cousin and other relative who live in the house and that you are upset about your older cousin’s tendency to anger and be violent. Let her know that if there is any trouble, the mother can come to your grandmother’s house (that was one good thing you said that was right on target.) Mention things to her that you have been reading stuff about enabling and that you are concerned she could be an enabler. Express your concern that the man’s tendency to wake her up early in the morning for beer is making her exhausted and that you are worried about her driving tired and the effects on her job. Things you do not want to do is anything that makes this enabling situation easier for them, such as babysitting, doing chores around the house, offering rides to work, buying your cousin booze (I know you certainly wouldn’t do that), and so on. You want to help her realize that this is a bad thing and that pretending that it isn’t will only make matters worse. Don’t do so in a lecturing, sager-than-thou way, but do it in a loving, caring way. If you see an opening where it looks like the truth is beginning to dawn on her, pass along some of the information that Social Services will no doubt give you. Since you are not part of the direct family, you are not going to be able to drag them into therapy or call for an intervention no matter how correct you are that they need it. This softer approach of seeding is a better tactic for you in this case. I’m is proud of you for caring about others. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
My name is alan and I am finally 18 years old and I am a fat gay anthro rat and I am having a bit of a relationship issue. My mate, who I have been with three years, just keeps on gaming and well it’s taking a bit of a toll on our relationship. Whenever I come home from school and log on to my laptop the first thing I see is him on stream gaming. We have short little chats, we tell each other we love them and basically that's all our conversation turns out to be. And the month of February is worse. He games all month and I have to let him game or else I have to take care of a moody, fat, gay, anthro badger. To all reading this, the month of February is a tough month for him because he lost his mom when he was younger in this month. I’ve just had it with his gaming. He games and games and games. I feel like he dose not care for me any more. I miss the old times when we had like date nights and he gave me all the love in the world, but now he just games and I started drinking sodas just to get me through the pain of this. I drink like 4 sodas a day; trust me, it’s that bad. Now I turn to you, Papabear. What should I do? I don’t know how much of this I can take anymore. I am losing sleep over this. I am a gamer but I only game like 5 to 6 hours but he games like 7 to 10 hours a day. Oh, yeah, I got a nook for my birthday last year and I was wondering if you know any good books that I can read. From a stressed out new Mexican rat king. Alan P.S.: My mate lives in Georgia, sorry I forgot to mention this. * * * Dear Alan, It’s clear that your mate has a gaming addiction that was probably exacerbated by the death of his mother. He is avoiding the pain he feels by submerging himself into a fantasy world. This might ease his pain, but he is actually hurting himself and you in the process. Therefore, it is not a positive therapeutic strategy, but a harmful one that must be stopped. The mental health community is recognizing this problem more and more, and treatment centers are starting to pop up around the country specifically designed to treat gaming addicts. If your mate had the money, I would suggest he go to one of these. First, of course, he needs to recognize he has a problem, just as an alcoholic or drug addict has to. That’s where you come in. From your letter, it does not sound like you have yet confronted him with the problem. Now, I guess he lives in a different state, so you can’t do the ideal thing, which is to sit down with him in person, hold his hand, look him in the eye, and explain the situation. Unless you can fly over to him, you’ll have to do the next best thing: call him on the phone or perhaps do a videochat. Tell him basically what you told me. That all this gaming is hurting him and you and destroying your relationship. Tell him you love him and want to help, but he has to help himself by trying to get some treatment and trying to get off the gaming. One way to do that is to set limits. For example, if he is gaming 10 hours a day, try cutting it to 9 for a week, then to 8 for the next week, and so on until it is a more reasonable 2 hours or so. As for your Nook, you could start by reading up on game addiction to help your mate. Here are a few good ones:
Work with your mate on breaking his addiction. This will take patience and time on your part. Such things don’t change overnight. There will likely be a two-steps-forward-one-or-two-back-two-steps-forward-again progress that, at times, could be infuriating, but if you love him you will work on it. He also has to deal more directly with the grief over losing his mother. Some grief counseling from a professional would be helpful, either one-on-one or group therapy. Explore what options are available in his part of the country and go from there. In addition to all of this, don’t forget to be good to yourself. You can begin by dropping the sodas and drink herbal tea or water with some lemon or lime and a dose of stevia sweetener. If you like it bubbly, get some soda water and mix citrus and stevia into it. Try to get some exercise, and yoga or meditation to calm your spirits. People who try to help those who have an addiction or serious illness often forget that they need to be healthy, too, so take care of yourself! Hope this helps! Please keep me posted on your progress. Hugs, Papabear Dear Pop,
This is kinda new but I guess I'm at a loss and could really use some advice. Recently I’ve been debating whether going back to my old relationship is a good idea or not. It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just there was no real growth because of the way he handled problems. He preferred to handle them along and sort of "bleed it out"; unfortunately that went both ways in his eyes. Whenever I had a problem or anything he didn't really like to talk or help on it, kept saying, "Unless it can be fixed I see no reason to bring it up." It's nice to vent and relax. He was just put back into chemo and is now home; however, he's been acting differently ever since. He wants to talk to me more, he's open about his feelings and ... it scares me. The one side of him bleeding it out was he was strong. To me he was like superman or something and would always be strong for the both of us. He's been through chemo and other treatments before for a few years now and every one up until this one he's always just dealt with the pain on his own and brushed it off. Now I’m worried he's not telling me something. I still care a lot for him and never really did stop loving him, but it's hard to love something that won't grow and now the sudden change. Maybe it's just me being stubborn and wanting to jump right back into this relationship, maybe it's me having a scare factor and wanting to go back to him because I don't want to lose him. I'm just in a really confusing and lost place right now and could really use some help. -Winter * * * Dear Winter, You do sound confused, yes. On the one paw, you didn’t like it when he was really stoic and didn’t change, and on the other you don’t like it now that he is more emotional and has changed. I guess this falls under the “be careful what you wish for” category. You wanted him to change, and now he has, but you miss the strong, stoic guy. You mention he has gone through chemo before, but sometimes a guy can take only so much before he begins to fret about his own mortality. It might not be that this time was any more serious than the other chemo treatments; it’s just that this was the straw that collapsed the camel’s hump. You can’t have it both ways, Winter. You need to accept that he is different now. And, actually, you should be grateful that he is opening up more. At last you will get the chance to peer into his heart and know what his hopes and fears truly are. Instead of being scared and running away, now is the time to try and make your relationship stronger. Talk to him, find out what is on his mind. You say you don’t want to lose him, so be there for him, whatever may come. You want a real relationship? This is what real love and real relationships are about. Being there for the one you love. He fell down on the job before, something you mistook for strength that was actually cowardice; he was running away from problems, but at last he has stopped running. Don’t do what he did by trying to ignore the pain. Be strong. Hugs, Papabear Dearest Papabear,
As I am discovering my fursona more and more, I have been thinking.... Since my fursona is my alternate personalty does that mean I have multiple personality disorder? -Rissa * * * Dear Rissa, Short answer is no, you do not have multiple personality disorder. MPD, also called Dissociative Identity Disorder, involves uncontrolled shifts in two or more personalities and is typically accompanied by unexplained periods of memory loss. This is quite different from what you or I do when we adopt our fursona personalities for a little furry fun. The fursona is something you wear, like a fursuit. You can put it on or take it off at will. MPD, on the other hand, is not controlled by you. The mental illness controls you not vice versa. When you get into your fursona’s personality, it’s a lot like being an actor or actress. It is assuming a role for play. Doing so, you can enhance or deemphasize parts of your own personality, and you can liberate yourself from inhibitions that might prevent you from acting the way you would like to is social situations. So don’t worry, Rissa, you’re fine! Hugs, Papabear |
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